I remember being a child, a teenager and a young adult.  What I don’t remember being was a rude, condescending, know-it-all brat that was so self-centered and/or selfish in nature adults would avoid contact with you at all costs.  I don’t remember it because it never happened, at least not to me.  Granted, I had friends who were close to being that way but even they had limits.

 Today’s teenagers and young adults seem so to be so out of touch with society and how to behave properly, it will be a surprise for them when they enter the real adult world of jobs and responsibilities.   Today’s teenagers will be surprised to realize that as they enter the adult world and want something back from it that the self-centered and selfish attitude will not serve them well at all.

 How did these kids wind up this way though?  Adults my age that I am familiar with did not start out that way and none of them even closely resembled what we see today.  Is it the parents that are to blame?   I would like to think that that is not the only factor, that there has to be more to it.  I consider myself to be a strict parent, with consequences for undesirable actions, yet, no matter how hard I try, I cannot get my own 14 year old to think about someone other than himself for even 10 seconds.  Everything he does or says is about him in some way without any regard for how his actions affect anyone around him.

Is it our schools?  I don’t know.  I would like to think that our schools have good and bad teachers, that it balances out but frankly I have run into more teachers who shouldn’t be teaching than ones who should.   Some teachers in my opinion have just turned plain lazy, especially those with tenure.  Being that our children spend so much time in front of these “adults”, could they also be emulating the attitudes of some of them?

Could it be the generation they are growing up in?  I remember as a young child, teenager and then young adult spending a significant amount of time outdoors.  Today’s kids act like it is a punishment to be sent outside!  “It’s boring!” and “there’s nothing to do” are the claims that get made at my home.  When  you do kick them outside for their own good, they would rather sit on the stoop outside the door than actually go out and find something to do!   Ride your bike to a friends house?   “But that’s a mile away!”    Oh com-on!  As a kid I easily rode a mile or two to see my best friend. 

It’s simple, children today are given too many conveniences, are entertained too much and simply put, they are a bunch of spoiled brats!  Now, before I have someone writing saying “must be your kid” or “my kid is not that way”, hear me out, I am saying most kids, not all.  If you have a perfect angel at home, consider yourself blessed by God, the rest of us are not so blessed.   Don’t get me wrong, I love my children to death, but once they reach teenagers they become self-centered selfish aliens that I just do not understand any more.

What seems to be the answer?  I don’t know.  I know that I will continue to try to pound into them that respect for themselves and others is more important a trait than any other they will possess.  I will continue to pound into them that taking pride in your work and doing the best you can is what you should expect from yourself if you expect it from others.  Finally, I will continue to strike home with the fact that they need to understand that as unimportant as they may think their actions are, they have consequences AND far reaching repercussions that affect many others and not just themselves.

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I was told by my ex-wife a couple of years ago that my wife couldn’t possibly love our children the way she does.  She went on further to say that my wife shouldn’t have any say in the decisions that we make for our children.  In recently reflecting on my feelings for my children with both my wife and my friends, it made that conversation of two years ago come back into the forefront of my mind.

First off, my ex-wife’s perception was solely based on her experience in this area in which she has none.  I am the father of our children AND a step-father for my wife’s son.  I can say, without hesitation that I love ALL my children equally, regardless of how they came into my life.  I would gladly sacrifice my life to save any one of them without needing to even contemplate my actions.

I do believe that a step parent can bond with and love a child as he or she were their own.  I believe that this bond is even stronger when the child lives in the home normally with that step parent.  In our example I believe that my children love my wife as a mother figure in their lives.  I also believe that as with all things, sometimes there is chemistry, other times there isn’t.  I constantly hear from the kids that they do not get along with their step-dad which saddens me.  I would want happiness for my children and if I cannot be with them as their father I would pray that they have a relationship with their step-dad that is strong and healthy.

Now, I will not tell you that it is not a challenge at times when it comes to step-children.  They can be resistant to you and choose not to accept you as an authoritative figure in their lives.  Fortunately I do not have to worry about that too much, my step son eventually comes around in most cases.  Although my step-son and I butt heads once in a while, I still love him and care about his well being the same as any of my biological children.

I think step parents and biological parents alike have a challenge dealing with kids today.  Especially in mixed households, rules are extremely difficult to establish and even harder to maintain/enforce.  When the rules are different at one household from those rules at your home, it makes for regular confrontations with the kids.  You get a lot of “we don’t have to do that at Mom’s!” or “we don’t have to do that at Dad’s!”.  For example, my wife allows her son to do things or play certain games which my two children are not allowed to do according to the rules that my ex-wife and I have agreed upon.  It makes for a difficult time when my step son cannot do some things when my kids are around that he would normally get to do when they are not at my house.  My fear is that it makes them resent one another in one way or another.

Well, as I said before, I am a father AND a step-dad and I love all of my children equally.  I will not let anyone tell me that I cannot possibly love my step son like I do my children.  Anyone who does believe that either doesn’t have step-children to love and base their belief on or is simply a very sad person if they cannot extend their love to all of the children in their lives, biological or step.

 Ok, thats my two cents!

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I had an interesting discussion today with a friend at work over lunch.  From his perspective he believes my priorities are messed up because I put my family first and my job second.  Now, I will definitely say that at one point during my life, during my first marriage, I do believe my priorities were messed up.  I essentially put work and my career before all else and neglected my family and personal life.  I excelled at my job at the expense of my family and my children.  Ok, that is just messed up, but, I believed it was as it should be.  Well, needless to say, my wife and I grew apart and I am sure she felt neglected to a certain extent.  I can’t blame her, I was not around much and I certainly was not much help with the kids when they were very young.

When we finally got divorced in 1999 I didn’t realize what my screwed up priorities had gotten me initially.  My priorities had cost me my wife as well as my children.  You see, when we divorced my children went to live with their mother, which was hard to accept but not a show stopper, I mean, what the hay?! I had my career to keep me busy, right?  It wasn’t until some time had gone by that I realized how much having a family had meant to me. I also realized how much I had screwed up and what my whacked out priorities had cost me.  It cost me my family.

Right before the divorce was final I had met Kathy, my wife, and I started to realize a lot of things.  I realized how much I should value my family and my time with my kids.  I realized that although I could always find another job, I couldn’t replace my family or loved ones. I realized how valuable my time was with my children, I mean, let’s face it, they are only young for so long.  When they become teenagers they want their independence and do not want as much involvement with you.  You have to take what you can get while you can get it because those years in your children’s lives are so short.  At that point in time I made a decision that my family, especially my wife and children, would be my number one priority no matter what.  Granted, my wife understands that from time to time emergencies come up at work and I have to deal with them.  She accepts that.

Ok, back to what brought us into this topic to begin with.  My friend said that my priorities are messed up and I say it is not true.  My top priority is my family.  My family, especially my wife, has accepted that I will only let my work interfere with family when it is ABSOLUTELY necessary and unavoidable.  I do not consider it ABSOLUTELY necessary to be on-site at work just to provide company for someone else.  I can’t count how many times I have worked into the night alone because there wasn’t anyone else in the group who could genuinely assist me, so why have someone needlessly hang around?  I have ALWAYS made myself available both remotely and physically whenever needed.  Physically I have been at the work and available whenever it was necessary to do so.  I mean, what is the point of all this remote technology if I can’t perform some of these functions from home?

What I don’t think my friend quite gets and why he thinks my priorities are out of whack is that he really doesn’t have any obligations to a family or a home life, much less to children he wants to see grow up and interact with.  This is something he will never truly get or understand.  It’s ok if he wants to make work his life and his priority, he can do that without a guilty conscience or missing out on seeing his children grow up.  He has the freedom to do whatever he wants without feeling remorse, guilt or a sense of real loss.  I feel remorse for being away from my family for too long, guilt for missing important moments in my children’s developments and a sense of loss when they grow older and learn new things without me there to share it with them.

I guess in the end, it depends on your perspective.  Do I think his priorities are messed up?  Nope.  Why?  Simple, work is what his life is about for the most part and it can be his priority without guilt or remorse.  It gives him a sense of purpose in his life and makes him feel good about himself and I think that is great for him. In my case, my family is my priority.  I take great pride in being a good father to my children and being a loving husband to my wife.  It matters that I am there for them and not away from home all the time.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my job and where I work, but the fact of the matter is, I can get another job, I don’t want to lose my family.  As long as I do my job and can be available, I think my priorities are just fine the way they are.

There are some excellent articles out there on this subject, be sure to give them a read also:

Top 10 Ways to Balance Life and Work

Recovering from Workaholism

Saying No to the Unimportant

SuperDads: Managing Expectations of Modern Fathers

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It was quite a rough night with Anthony last night.  He seems as though he has developed a secondary infection in his chest after he and I were both sick last week.  He sounded kind of rough when we went to bed last night and overnight he seems to have gotten worse.  I told Kathy at 4 a.m. in the morning that if she felt like she should take him to the emergency room to go ahead and do it.  However, it looks like a little patience paid off and the little guy went back to sleep (after calming down) and wasn’t struggling so much to breath.  This morning around 8 a.m. he woke up as happy as could be, coughing, but still in good spirits.  He definitely sounds like he has something going on in his chest and we will be taking him into the doctor today to get it checked out.

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Just another day today.  Went to church this morning.  It was Pastor Kevin’s 40th birthday.  I had been asked to prepare a video which was created by Kevin’s mother.  Unfortunately I had no time to test the video on the computer before attempting to play it on our piece of junk PC that I use for recording and displaying lyrics with.  The video would show but there was no sound.  After turning knobs frantically, we finally got some sound to come out.  Albeit, it was difficult to hear and there was a lot of buzz but all in all everyone enjoyed the video and laughed quite a bit.   I was a laid back day at home however.  Didn’t do much today in the way of work, I will definitely need to spend the whole day tomorrow working on websites and my Uncle’s computer.  Was able to work with Kathy on her blog and we got too look at a lot of cool themes for them.  This should be fun!

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Ok, when your Pastor calls you at 10:30 p.m. and asks you to meet with him in the morning to discuss a topic that seems to be secret, do you worry?  Hmm… I have been pondering that one wondering what I did or didn’t do that I was or wasn’t supposed to do.  Have a client to go see today for some web design discussions at 12:30 p.m. so I will have to update things here later.  Feel like I am going to the principals office.  Oh well… at least I’ll get a good cup of coffee!

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Well… I got home today to a tired wife and a tired tike.  Anthony just did not want to go to sleep but was so tired at the same time.  I tried my usual Daddy routine of having him on my shoulder and singing to him, that just didn’t work.  Kathy tried feeding him again, but that did not work.  I finally went upstairs in the nice quietness of our bedroom and the rocker/glider.  The room was completely dark and very quiet.  I sat and rocked with him while singing songs softly to him.  This went on for a good twenty minutes when he finally fell asleep.  When I laid down with him on the bed, wouldn’t you know it but our cat Cinder decided to jump up and the bed.  She just wouldn’t take no for an answer!  She kept trying to climb up on Anthony to get to me for attention when I finally picked her up and plunked her off the bed.  Too late, Anthony woke up and it was back to the glider.  Ten minutes and several more choruses of “Rock a bye baby” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” later he finally fell asleep.  After giving up on moving to the bed and twenty more minutes later, Kathy came up to take over the sleeping tike.  I love that little guy!

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