I had an interesting discussion today with a friend at work over lunch.  From his perspective he believes my priorities are messed up because I put my family first and my job second.  Now, I will definitely say that at one point during my life, during my first marriage, I do believe my priorities were messed up.  I essentially put work and my career before all else and neglected my family and personal life.  I excelled at my job at the expense of my family and my children.  Ok, that is just messed up, but, I believed it was as it should be.  Well, needless to say, my wife and I grew apart and I am sure she felt neglected to a certain extent.  I can’t blame her, I was not around much and I certainly was not much help with the kids when they were very young.

When we finally got divorced in 1999 I didn’t realize what my screwed up priorities had gotten me initially.  My priorities had cost me my wife as well as my children.  You see, when we divorced my children went to live with their mother, which was hard to accept but not a show stopper, I mean, what the hay?! I had my career to keep me busy, right?  It wasn’t until some time had gone by that I realized how much having a family had meant to me. I also realized how much I had screwed up and what my whacked out priorities had cost me.  It cost me my family.

Right before the divorce was final I had met Kathy, my wife, and I started to realize a lot of things.  I realized how much I should value my family and my time with my kids.  I realized that although I could always find another job, I couldn’t replace my family or loved ones. I realized how valuable my time was with my children, I mean, let’s face it, they are only young for so long.  When they become teenagers they want their independence and do not want as much involvement with you.  You have to take what you can get while you can get it because those years in your children’s lives are so short.  At that point in time I made a decision that my family, especially my wife and children, would be my number one priority no matter what.  Granted, my wife understands that from time to time emergencies come up at work and I have to deal with them.  She accepts that.

Ok, back to what brought us into this topic to begin with.  My friend said that my priorities are messed up and I say it is not true.  My top priority is my family.  My family, especially my wife, has accepted that I will only let my work interfere with family when it is ABSOLUTELY necessary and unavoidable.  I do not consider it ABSOLUTELY necessary to be on-site at work just to provide company for someone else.  I can’t count how many times I have worked into the night alone because there wasn’t anyone else in the group who could genuinely assist me, so why have someone needlessly hang around?  I have ALWAYS made myself available both remotely and physically whenever needed.  Physically I have been at the work and available whenever it was necessary to do so.  I mean, what is the point of all this remote technology if I can’t perform some of these functions from home?

What I don’t think my friend quite gets and why he thinks my priorities are out of whack is that he really doesn’t have any obligations to a family or a home life, much less to children he wants to see grow up and interact with.  This is something he will never truly get or understand.  It’s ok if he wants to make work his life and his priority, he can do that without a guilty conscience or missing out on seeing his children grow up.  He has the freedom to do whatever he wants without feeling remorse, guilt or a sense of real loss.  I feel remorse for being away from my family for too long, guilt for missing important moments in my children’s developments and a sense of loss when they grow older and learn new things without me there to share it with them.

I guess in the end, it depends on your perspective.  Do I think his priorities are messed up?  Nope.  Why?  Simple, work is what his life is about for the most part and it can be his priority without guilt or remorse.  It gives him a sense of purpose in his life and makes him feel good about himself and I think that is great for him. In my case, my family is my priority.  I take great pride in being a good father to my children and being a loving husband to my wife.  It matters that I am there for them and not away from home all the time.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my job and where I work, but the fact of the matter is, I can get another job, I don’t want to lose my family.  As long as I do my job and can be available, I think my priorities are just fine the way they are.

There are some excellent articles out there on this subject, be sure to give them a read also:

Top 10 Ways to Balance Life and Work

Recovering from Workaholism

Saying No to the Unimportant

SuperDads: Managing Expectations of Modern Fathers

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1 Comment to “A Working Father’s Priorities”

1. sandy — January 23, 2008 @ 10:44 pm
   

   Amen! Sometimes it is hard but you do the best that you can do!

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